4 Questions To Help You Decide If You Should Take Him Back
If you’ve ever been hurt, betrayed or disappointed by a past lover, giving them a second chance can be hard to fathom. But as time goes by, your heart softens and you reconsider. Especially when they do something cute that they know you like or have the gift of gab. But should you actually let them come back?
We all have an intuition or something in our spirit that tells us if someone is worth another shot. And there are definitely scenarios where forgiving an ex is ok. But many times we don’t listen to that inner voice, aka our common sense. We let our emotions take over and are back with him before we know it. *Insert eye roll emoji from all your friends who don’t like him here. If you aren’t sure you can trust your gut, ask yourself these four questions so you don’t end up in another dumpster fire relationship.
Has he changed?
The number one, fool proof way to tell if someone is worth another try is if they have learned from what they did wrong the first time. We’ve heard the saying, “the best apology is changed behavior” right? So when they come back with just an “I’m sorry” and no actions to match, you have absolutely no reason to entertain the idea of taking them back. “I won’t do it again,” isn’t enough!
You’ll know when he has done the work to be a better man and you don’t need to get back with them to tell. He should be able to fully explain to you what he did wrong, show his conviction and how he’s changed for the better. This is all action that needs to be proven to you before you even entertain a round two with him.
Is there still a connection?
A man who isn’t serious will come back with his ego. But someone who truly wants to do you right, will come back with their heart. Having history with someone doesn’t mean you still love them. If the thrill is gone, don’t force it. You can also love someone and still not want them back. Trust yourself this time, the inner you knows.
Don’t rationalize past the obvious when it comes to giving a second chance. You let your guard down the first time to be with him. But the second time, there should be a zero-tolerance policy on the smallest red flag you see. Second chances are earned, not given.
Is he ready to face the past?
When someone has hurt you, they not only recognize it, they are willing to give you exactly what you need to heal from it. A conversation needs to be had about what happened for closure. That takes a lot of emotional and mental growth on both sides. The moment he shows you that you don’t have a right to still feel scarred or wants you to not bring it up, he wants the relationship to be on his terms. Which means he doesn’t have the humility to be the man you need going forward.
Healing should be 100% on your terms and if he can’t respect that then a second chance is a no go. If you want to go to counseling, he should be willing to go with you. If you want to have a full conversation about what happened, he should be able to hear you. Never let him guilt trip you into thinking “the past is the past.” Healing doesn’t work that way.
Can you trust him?
You can decide to forgive someone for what they did to you without letting them back into your life. In fact, forgiveness is huge for our own growth and is something we all must learn to do. But when it comes to getting back with an ex who hurt you, the real question is, can you trust him again? If you can’t say without a shadow of a doubt, “yes,” then there’s nothing else to consider.
Trust is one of the foundational pillars of a relationship. If you have flashback every time something reminds you of what he did previously and hold it against him all over again, save yourself the trouble of another failed relationship and just move on. You haven’t healed from that pain and it’s best not date anyone until you do. You must process that hurt first.
The decision to rehash an old flame is ultimately up to the you. And as long as you aren’t doing it out of desperation, just to feel loved or because you’re lonely, that person may indeed be worth another go-round. Use your head, not just your heart, to assess the situation with these four questions at the minimum and move forward the only way we know how, the civil way.