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How To Have A Proper Celebrity Meltdown

By Posted on 1 4 m read

In our everyday lives, entertainment news is seen and heard on front-page magazines and national news channels alike.  But nothing is as sensational as when the targeted culprit actually responds.  Imagine if Tiger Woods spoke out about his plethora of birdie birds or if Barry Bonds threw a bunch of drugs and syringes at the paps from his backpack.

Either way, we have been blessed with plenty of other real-case-scenarios of such sad yet oh-so-eye-popping sights.  Some just aren’t as memorable as others.  So this here is a how-to guide for all you aspiring a**holes, especially if you’re an aspiring celebrity a**hole– the best around, of course.

Plan An Iconic Twitter Rant

The most obvious go-to tactic is the world of Twitter: every PR’s worst nightmare.  It’s uncensored, uncanny, and completely indescribable once you witness it on your own timeline in real time.  From Chris Brown to Sinead O’Connor— everybody’s doing it and so it shall be done.  The first step in solidifying your celeb status is through followers, but the second step is gearing headlines with all-caps, creative curse words, and all.  While O’Connor’s tweets basically ended her marriage, Chris Brown’s tweets turned him into a superhero… or villain.  Seen storming off set, he hollered out a scream, confronted a segment producer, shattered a Good Morning America window, then wound up on the street shirtless, having turned into the Hulk in-between Location A and Location B.  The licking of the lips tells it all.


Lie Until You Can Lie No More

If we learned nothing else from politicians, we definitely have come to find where the majority of their priorities lie– their own asses.  From 1998’s Bill Clinton mistress scandal with Lewinsky, to John Edwards‘ affair on his cancer-ridden wife and secret child, it gets no juicier (nor idiotic.)  It’s always the obvious things that seem to make the biggest statement, and lying about the situation only fuels the paparazzi engine.  Remember– this is America.  You are innocent until proven guilty.  Yeah, we’ll go with that.

Throw Out Some Racist Words

Everyone has a short temper.  Allowing it to be caught on tape– whether video or recorder– is the move to make to see your name in trending topics.  The most you can ever get people riled up is with a heap of discriminatory language.  Whether or not it’s “all in fun” like your favorite rapper’s Gwen Paltrow or hip-hop outcasts like Mel Gibson and Michael Richards.  And don’t worry– if you’re Black you can choose to make a few statements about Jews, and be known as an anti-Christ and anti-Semetic.  Really, there’s enough hate to be spread around.

Memorable Public Appearances

What’s better than an insult live on television? For a truly iconic meltdown, it must b done in person, on a large platform.  For Tupac Shakur, this place was Yo! MTV Raps.  As the growing personality and seemingly troublemaker he was undoubtedly appearing to be, Pac admitted to assault of two top movie directors live on television.  Fast forward over a decade and Tom Cruise sparked a very different flame live on television, debating his stance on Brooke Shields’ anti-depressants, prescribed medications, and the art of Scientology with Matt Lauer, and adding in a few “glim” and “irresponsible” accusations inbetween.  Possibly the real lesson here is to agree to high profile interviews, then find the most creative way possible to make the interviewer squirm.  Everyone wins in the end.

Do/Say The Unthinkable

You have to be a dreamer.  If you’re getting into the league of celebrities solely for the glamour, lights, and action– you need to spice it up 10x more than the actually talented of Hollywood.  But when you have the talented in Hollywood spicing it up already, the dish being served is gourmet.  Kanye West, for instance, ruled the internet world of memes for the entirety of the rest of the year following the 2009 VMA melee of MTV’s Sweetheart, Taylor Swift.  “I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but–” has been repeated, reiterated, and re-imagined since that day on.  Similarly, Charlie Sheen‘s use of “tiger blood,” “bi-winning,” and a list of catchphrases like “dying is for fools” took off in the same capacity, becoming household terms for whatever the hell you want them to mean– pretty much how he used it.


Even so, in the world of Hollywood, you have to realize (and understand) that being a Kanye West and Chris Brown makes you a public enemy number one, while a Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen become leading roles in major motion picture movies.  Choose your battles wisely, but when you do choose, make sure to go all out.. for a good cause (in the least).  Matter-of-fact, we could use a good scandal right… about… now!


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Jazzi Johnson


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